Apparently it’s ‘hot’ for girls to drink beer.
How is it exactly that drinking this typically male-consumed yeasty yellow beverage suddenly increases my attractiveness? Is it that it makes you ‘one of the boys?’ does it mean you’re ‘chilled out?’ or maybe its that you ‘don’t give a sh*t’ what people think? Whatever it is, I clearly am none of them.
I just don’t like beer. I’ve tried, I swear I’ve tried! Pale ale, IPA, lager, Kolsch. I’ll admit I’ve never tried Guinness, but something tells me if I hate the more ‘normal’ breeds as much as I do, Guinness isn’t exactly going to suddenly turn me.
As much as everyone would like to claim they loved beer from the serendipitous moment it touched their lips, I beg to differ. Coming from a self confessed caffeine junkie who used to carry around take-away cups full of ‘Gloria Jeans’ Coffee, taking millililitre sips out of them until I chucked them out. I’m well-practised in forcing yourself to like something. But with beer I just can’t do it! “What don’t you like about it?” people often ask me. Is it the hops? The malt? The bitterness? Beer encompasses a huge number of styles that makes it kinda premature to write off completely, but I have.
Other than avoiding the infamous ‘beer belly’ there are not many benefits of disliking this fermented-yeast beverage.
- You can’t enjoy the ‘Parmy* and a Pint’ deals. When my friend asked me if I wanted to go and get the ‘Parmy and Pint’ deal for $20 at the local pub I responded ‘Yes of course! Sounds awesome’ later finding out I wouldn’t actually get to enjoy the deal as supposedly I couldn’t swap out for the ‘house white’ wine.
- You can’t readily participate in beer pong, potentially the most fun game to play at a pre-drinks. If you do you are either inevitably asked one-or-more of the five quotes above, OR get sloshed halfway through the game.
- You end up drinking more than those around you as you drink the same volume of liquids in a form that is close to 10% more potent.
- You look like a complete idiot at a German Beer Hall in Munich when you can’t even manage to finish a stein of bloody ‘Shandy’ (a mixture of beer and lemonade) so you cave and order two glasses of white wine.
Despite these setbacks, I am quite lucky as a girl, as we often get away with this blasphemous behaviour a little more than the Aussie ‘bloke’. The worth of an Aussie man is in direct correlation to his love for beer. The Aussie male is expected to live and breathe the ‘frothie’ and to worship ‘Emu Export’ as the nectar of the gods.
Lucky for girls “wanna go for a beer?” is not a common statement and drinking a glass of white on a Friday arvo is both expected and passable. That being said, saying no to beer is never an enjoyable moment…
5 Things people say when you don’t like beer:
“You’re insane, beer is delicious!”
“You’re just drinking it wrong”
“But there’s nothing better than a cold beer on a hot day!”
“Just try it! Go on, take a sip!”
“Try (insert beer name here) you’ll like that one!”
No thank you kind stranger, I probably will not like ‘that one.’
If drinking beer makes me ‘hot’, I am potentially the most hideous individual to ever live… and I’m ok with that.